i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
