...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
