I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
