I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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