I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
