from now on my penis is your penis
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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