i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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