I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
