I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
