Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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