i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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