Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
