The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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