1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
