I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The uberlube is also flammable
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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