btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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