you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
