I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
