We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
did i just pee glitter
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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