Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
