he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
