he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
