Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
