We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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