You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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