I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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