Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
