We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
