I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
