How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
