Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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