She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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