Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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