hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
