Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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