I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
