It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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