Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
