Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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