there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
