The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
