i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
