Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
What a dumb baby whore.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
