Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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