I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
