I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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