Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
