fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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