need another drink. this is the easiest way
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We are two peas in an std pod
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
