Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
