Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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