You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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